Week 11 Theme

When you turn something down, you will be replaced.  That’s the way life is.  If you refuse to fill the void, it does not mean that the void will remain empty.  

“Replaced” is such a harsh word.  But that’s what has now happened to me twice.  I suppose I asked for them both. The first I was not aggressive enough, and the second I let go on purpose.  But why can’t I just leave something and let it be?  Why do I have to see the results of my ineptitude?

                It’s harsh to be replaced, an but it’s harsher to see the replacements and get to know them.  The common denominator in both of my replacements is that they are so perfect.  Not only can they do everything that I did, but they can do it better and they can do more.  I lost weight – they were never anything but model-skinny.  I asked to learn how to do things – I tried to learn!  But it comes naturally to them.  I strive to be better, they’re already the best.

                Are the superhuman?  Do they not struggle?  Of course not.  But I don’t get to see their struggles and I don’t get to imagine them.  I went that route – imagining their struggles.  But then, after a little while, you know that you are fooling yourself and lying to yourself to make yourself feel better.  Then you not only feel like the wretch you are, but you become even more convinced that every fault you made up about them is false – therefore they have no faults.

                And then comes the worst part.  Total acceptance of your replacement.  Thinking to yourself, wait a minute, they are so much better.  Everyone wins in this sitation, everyone is better off when I am not that person.  Everyone is better off when I am replaced.

                Why is this the worst part?  Because then anger gives way to the sadness, and you caused your own heart to break.  Did you break other hearts along the way?  Sure.  But they have the replacements to mend them.