“The Pregnant Woman” – A Survival Guide
To a vast majority of the average population, pregnant women
are either terrifying, mysterious, or adorable creatures. In light of this, it’s no wonder you all have so much trouble understanding just how to act when you encounter one in the
wild. Here are a few tips on how to survive
and thrive when you inevitably encounter what’s known as “The Pregnant Woman.”
1 – Don’t call her huge.
She probably already feels rather large, but on the off chance she’s having
a good day, don’t go ruining it by expressing your surprise at how gigantic she has
become since you saw her last. I know
you’ll have the best of intentions – it is the natural course of pregnancy after
all. However, it’s best to stay away
from adjectives also commonly used to describe houses, boats, and whales.
2 – The Pregnant Woman is probably already feeling a lot of
pressure to eat all the right things, only the right things, not too many
of the right things, and not too few of the right things. Therefore, it is probably not helpful to give
her pointers on her diet. This is true whether it’s an encouragement to splurge
(example: “isn’t this the time in your life when you can guiltlessly go ham?”),
or an admonishment for a poor choice (example: “does the baby really need that?”).
3 – This may sound hypocritical, but The Pregnant Woman can
say that she has pregnancy brain. She
can self-depreciatingly find humor in forgetting or misplacing things. But when you tell The Pregnant Woman that
she has pregnancy brain after she misplaces her keys or forgets what she was about to say – all she hears is “You’re off your rocker!
Pregnancy has made you literally insane! Boy, isn’t it great to be so smart, hooray for me!” Remember that we’re all
forgetful at times, pregnant women have a lot on their plates, and when you don’t
have anything nice to say, there is dignity in silence.
A list of other things you probably shouldn’t say if you
want a pain-free encounter with The Pregnant Woman (unless your opinion and
advice has been solicited – in which case proceed with caution!!):
“Oh, you’re going back to work/staying home after you have the baby? That’s just going to make you miserable.”
“You do know that most of the weight you gain while you’re pregnant
is fat, right? That’s why you don’t lose it all when you give birth.”
"Oh, your back hurts/feet are swollen/legs cramp/head aches? You must be doing pregnancy wrong."
"How much weight have you gained?"
"Oh, your back hurts/feet are swollen/legs cramp/head aches? You must be doing pregnancy wrong."
"How much weight have you gained?"
“You can too lift heavy things/survive a whole day without a
nap/jog a marathon/etc..”
“Look at you - you must be due in the next few weeks, right?!” or, along the same lines, “Look at you - you must be having twins!!”
"Come on, it's just a cold."
“Look at you - you must be due in the next few weeks, right?!” or, along the same lines, “Look at you - you must be having twins!!”
"Come on, it's just a cold."
“Oh, I gave birth
once. Want to hear all the worst parts? Pull up a chair, this will take a while.”
And remember, The Pregnant Woman may look and act a bit
strange, but underneath her gigantic belly, she’s a person just like you.
When in doubt, be kind and supportive - it's hard work growing a slightly parasitic (albeit adorable and blessed) human inside her body.
Oh, and one last thing, don’t forget to rub her belly a lot – especially if you're a stranger - she’ll
love it. It’ll make her feel like an
animal at a petting zoo! (*Cough* Sarcasm *Cough*)
