Trying to explain insomnia to someone who's never had it is like trying to explain the horrible writing style of your least favorite author to someone who doesn't read. It's practically impossible. Because no matter how strongly you feel about it, no matter how frustrated it makes you, when you're talking to the unafflicted human being, they end up giving you this look that says, "Are you sure you're not just overreacting?"
Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Let me explain. A night of insomnia runs in five stages.
Stage 1
This stage actually starts before you go to bed. While you're brushing your teeth, drinking your tea, eating your second dinner, or whatever it is that you do before going to bed, this feeling creeps into your head. You may not identify it until it's too late, but it's the feeling of impending insomnia! If identified, run for the hills! Nip it in the bud! The symptoms of this feeling are: excessive thinking and/or over-thinking, unreconciled stress, failure to stop doing busy things before 11:30pm, etc.. I repeat, if you feel these symptoms coming on, remedy them sooner rather than later.
Stage 2
And if you don't remedy them, here you find yourself, square in Stage 2. The warm body next to you (if you sleep with another human being or dog) is fast asleep, and possibly snoring (my dog is the worst offender of this), and you're not sleeping. You're tossing and turning. You're thinking. You're mulling. You're stressing. You're planning. Basically, you're not sleeping, but you think to yourself, "hey, it's only been a half hour, I'll get to sleep in no time." Is stage #2 a death sentence? Not necessarily, you still have time to get out of this. How? Stop doing all the things you're doing and go to sleep.
Stage 3
But of course, some days you just can't stop, which leads to Stage 3. Once you're in Stage 3 you're pretty much stuck with it. Face the facts ma'am or sir, you have insomnia. Stage 3 hits when you've been up for approximately 1.5 hrs while trying to fall asleep (these must be 1.5 straight hours of trying to sleep, getting up and distracting yourself is cheating). It's at this point that you begin considering the meaning of life, your purpose in the universe, whether it's all really worth it, and whether or not that cake in the fridge is a good idea (yes, hunger is a side effect of stage 3). My advice? Just don't get up and get that slice of cake. I mean you're already an almost hopeless case, and eating and/or getting up is a death sentence at this point.
Stage 4
This is definitely the worst stage of all. It's the helpless, hopeless, neurotic, and nasty phase. Your muscles ache from exhaustion, you've counted sheep, counted back from 1,000, you've concentrated on breathing in and out and in and out and nothing works. It's at this point that the world just barely starts waking up, which is basically insult to injury. The last thing you want to hear at this point is a vehicle driving down the road. You just know that whoever's driving is either waking up amazingly rested or they're heading home from the night shift to get an amazing eight hours. You may even start plotting revenge on this poor passer-by, simply out of frustration.
Stage 5
Here we are. It's getting bright out. Good job making it through the night without overdosing on chocolate cake. Good luck making it through your day without fainting or taking a long, long nap!
But let me warn you, if you take a long, long nap, your body may just decide that it likes this schedule better than the old 'sleep-while-it's-dark stuff.' If you give in to that amazing nap, you might be in for another night of insomnia.
I hope this helps everyone out there who is unable to explain insomnia to their loved ones. For chronic insomnia, or if your insomnia reaches an unmanageable
level, seek medical attention.
Or just shut your brain off and go to bed already.
Have a great night and sleep well!
