Astronomic love.

I’m not sure why I decided to tuck in my brothers the other night.  I never do – at the ages of nine and twelve, they are hardly dependent on being tucked in (much less by their big sister!).  But it struck me on a whim, so I went into their room as they were crawling under their sheets. This is the conversation that followed…

                I walked in and went to my younger brother’s bed first.    

                “Goodnight Eli,” I said, sitting on the edge of his bed.  “Sleep well tonight.” I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Thank goodness, Eli is a dear and he’s not old enough to be grossed out by this behavior. In fact, he hung his arms around my neck and planted a kiss on my  cheek in return. 

                “I love you to the moon!” I said.

                “I love you to the end of the Milky Way!” he said with a cheeky grin – when you’re a nine year old boy everything is a competition, even saying “I love you.” (Actually, the syndrome of life-as-a-competition does not stop for boys when they’re eight.  In fact, it might not stop for them before they die…)

                “No wait,” he said, turning to his older brother.  “What’s that thing called?  That thing at the end of the milky way?”

                Matt is my older brother of the two.  At twelve his hobby is astronomy – and he takes his hobbies very seriously. (He may very well be smarter at twelve than I am at eighteen.) 

“That thing at the end of the milky way?” asked Matthew.  “Oh, you mean Andromeda.”

“Yeah!  That thing!” said Eli.   “I love you to Andromeda.”

Tickled at his adorableness, I smiled and ruffled his curly mop of hair.  Then I went over to Matthew’s bed and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.  He smiled tentatively with his dimples in a way that said, I’m a little old for that, but I might still like it.

In answer to his smile, I said “I love you to the moon, Matthew.”

And in his typical straight-forward way, he said, “I love you to M13.”

“M13?” I asked, puzzled. “What is M13?”

“It’s a galaxy.”

“Oh,” I said, still a bit confused.  “That’s cool.  Where is it?”

“I don’t know,” he said.  Then his dimpled smile stole across his face and he said, “But it’s farther than the end of the Milky Way.”

Somehow, to say that I only love these boys to the end of the milky way (an unimaginable distance), or to the incredible M13 (an even farther distance), to say that I only love them that much... would be a vast understatement.  

~

Hmm

This Post Temporarily Suspended for Further Editing. 

No Beauty In Defeat

(It was years ago and yesterday

When I lost you in the fray)

No one knew how you died, somehow I knew they always lied

It’s easy to hear whispers kept inside

I tried to stay away from you, on the day they buried truth

But I had to see them there, standing in the dew

It’s such a shame that you aren’t here, We had so much time – so little fear

But now all I have are my running tears

Nevermind the tears, try to forget the fears

There must something better… somewhere out there

You and I we knew it all, and we blew it all

We can live forever

In just one night

He said “life’s cruel, and it’s always been this way

“And I wish I could find a way to stay

“There must be a way to save , The world – what’s left out there anyway”

We were liars, we were young, and we were brave

But I knew what was up head, I knew where this path led

Because all the heroes that ever lived are dead

He tried so hard to quench the flames, But in his hands torches blazed

Life’s a cycle, and it’s sure as fire cruel

Nevermind the tears, try to forget the fears

There must something better… somewhere out there

You and I we knew it all, and we blew it all

We can live forever

In just one night

I’m living now in the ashes of the life we knew we’d have

The lights are out, the walls are crumbling down

It smells like slow dancing, fast heartbeats - There’s no beauty in defeat

No glory in a your silent renown

I’m not the same since that day you know

I’m know I’m right, I just can’t stand the sight

So I’ll try to fight the fires raging inside, And yet I know I cannot hide

The fact that I am following you down

Nevermind the tears, try to forget the fears

There must something better somewhere out there

You and I we knew it all, and we blew it all

We can live forever

In just one night

Life - Amplified

I think love is like life – amplified.  Everything is stronger:  pain, joy, fear, everything.

I don’t know what the rest of my life holds.  I’m not God – I can’t see that far.  But I do know this: if I search for perfection I will never be happy.  Ever.  People aren’t perfect, so the relationships they create can’t be either.  And I’ll always be half the problem (sometimes more!). But if I was looking for my perfect – the perfect that fills my holes, balances my weaknesses, and lets me be at ease in a way I didn’t know I was capable of before, well, then I’ve found my perfect.  

He is strength without crushing, he is laughter without derision.  He is kindness that I've hungered for.  He is more precious to me than life, and how do I know that for sure? 

Because I would die for him in a heartbeat.  

Love is worth it.  It’s worth fighting for, it’s worth appreciating, and it’s worth the frustration and tears that it brings at times.  Because even though those nights seem endless, and the morning dawns uncertain at best, I’d rather spend my worst day next to him than my best day alone.  Because everything will turn around, and he is the best reflection of Christ’s love that I’ve ever met in another human being, and I love him.  I can’t help but love him.  

Love is such a funny thing, but it’s completely and utterly worth it.