An Observance

Love is a funny thing.  It’s so universal, yet so specific.  People write poetry and songs and whole books in attempts to explain it.  I cannot claim to be as wise as the poets and musicians and authors before me.  So this is simply an observance.  

You see, there’s a him in my life.  How him came to be in my life is subject for a different post.  Yes, explaining him should be saved for a different post, a handful of poems, a few whispered songs, and perhaps even a book.  But in order to understand my observance, you had to know about the him.

That aside, here’s my observance.  Before him, I wore pony tails all the time.  I wasn’t comfortable with my hair - it’s frizzy and can be very untamed.  So I wore a pony tail.  Why the constant pony tails?  Because a pony tail is reliable.  I can grab all of my hair in an elastic and put it behind me where I and other people can't see it.  It isn’t going to get in my eyes, and I don’t have to deal with the risk of having unruly, unsightly hair all of the time.  I didn’t wear pony tails every day, but whenever I didn’t I was uncomfortable and insecure.  

But since him, I’ve stopped worrying about finding elastics.  I’ve stopped my almost-daily routine of pulling my hair back.  I’ve literally let my hair down.  Not because him told me to, not because him likes long hair, nothing like that.  Simply because being with him makes me feel like it’s alright.

I don’t think love is the same thing as romance.  I think love might be about finding someone who you are comfortable with regardless of what you look like, or how tired you are, or what your day held.  Someone who, when you let your hair down around them, both of you are still alright with yourselves and each other.  I’m learning to let my hair down.

And I think I like it.

Your Name

Names are funny things, I think –

The importance we tack to them,

Of how they’re spelled and what

They mean: leader, servant, or gem

It shows how little we can read into

The lives of those around us

From the people that we barely know

To the people we feel have found us

But I love your name, I love its sound

Spoken by any voice at all

I love it for what it means to me

I love that it’s a voice I can call

You see

Your name means safety,

And a heart that’s true

And most of all,

Your name means you

How Deeply

Perhaps the reason it’s taken so long

For me to fall for you

Is because I know how deeply I can love

And I was afraid you were untrue

But now that I know that you don’t mind

A soul that is less than perfect

I feel a peace that’s new – I can unwind

I don’t think you will reject

Me, like all the rest

Someday

Sometimes I get tired.  Just plain old tired.  Tired of dealing with things, tired of being a big girl, tired of juggling schedules, tired of hiding my tiredness.  I want to do all of these things, and it is in my nature to do all of these things (with one hand tied behind my back sometimes), but that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes late at night I just find myself tired.

I know it isn’t brave to say this.  I know that the brave thing to do is to keep on dealing, being, juggling, and hiding without complaint.  But why else do we write than to learn and to grow and expose the truth?  So I shall strive to write what I am about to with the aim to grow, and not the aim to vent.

But see, there’s something that keeps me going.  When I’m up until midnight working on a friend’s project and I still have writing that I want to do for myself before I head to bed, but I have to get up at five the next morning so I decide to call it a night (for a completely random, non-specific example...) sometimes a single thought pops up in my head and smooths over the roughness of the day.

Someday it won’t be like this.  Someday, I will have nothing to do all day except things that fill me up as I have never been filled.  Someday there will be no more tears, no more darkness, no more pain.  Someday I will be in Heaven.

The atheist points at this as weakness.  I suppose it is.  I am weak.  Aren’t we all though?  Can any of us really say honestly that we can handle everything that this life throws at us?  Take a peek at the suicide rates in America before you get back to me on that one.  Handling everything is terribly hard sometimes.

But someday, everything will be taken care of without exhaustion or worry.  I won’t have to deal with things, measure up to standards, juggle schedules, or wear a mask.  I will simply be praising God, and laughing, and talking with believers, and loving my Creator.  For hours and hours on end I’ll be doing these things, in a world that has no time.  A scary thought yes, but also an awe-inspiring one.

I’m not suicidal.  God gave me a great life that I am determined to try to please Him with.  But Heaven is going to be amazing, and I am anxious for it.

John 16:33

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Coffee Shop Epiphanies: Humbled

            Are you ever just humbled? Just flat out brought down a few pegs? 

I hate it when someone does this to me - I find it extremely difficult to take a humbling from someone else.  In my defense though, I think it’s an innate part of human nature to have a knee-jerk reaction when someone threatens our pride.  That doesn't make it right, I know.  It just makes it common. 

But this humbling realization came at me from myself.  [Personally I think these are some of the deepest realizations – the ones that you come up with on your own.  They seem to leave a bigger impression, but this could be just me.]

What was my humbling moment, you ask?  I hesitate to tell you, because I doubt it will mean as much to you as it did to me.  I mean, didn’t I just talk about coming to realizations on our own? 

I could wait for you to come to my realization by yourself.  For some, you already know my new piece of realization.  For some, I would only have to wait a day for you to figure it out.  However, for others I might have to wait until all of my teeth fall out, and still they may not reach my realization.  I don't have that kind of time.  And besides, I wouldn’t really be writing this if I didn’t plan on saying something that was at least sort of worthwhile.

So here it is…

Step 1) – Go into a public place (at least a dozen people or so)

Step 2) – Look around you – people-watch for a minute

This, my step three, is where I came to the realization.  It just sort of dawned on me.  Every single one of the people around me has a life that is just as complex as mine.  Every single person has a life just as full of sadness and joy, memories and hope, thunder and daisies, and just as full of living as my life. 

It’s overwhelming to think about. 

Suddenly, all of my plans and emotions and triumphs and challenges seem so small. 

I know, I know.  By writing this I am admitting to the fact that I live an incredibly selfish and self-involved life.  All this time I’ve lived on this planet and today is the first time that it has really, really sunk in.  Sure I knew it, but I hadn’t realized it.  I think there’s a difference.  In my defense though, I think it’s an innate part of human nature to be selfish.  Call it self-preservation, call it looking out for number one, hey, you can call it deciding to live your own life instead of living other peoples’, I don’t care.  But still, I think we’re altogether too selfish too often.  Myself definitively included.

Maybe next time someone snaps at me I won’t take it personally.  Maybe I’ll try to imagine what chapter their life-story is on, assume it’s a rough chapter, and let it go.  Maybe next time someone is crying I’ll see their tears, maybe next time someone is yelling I’ll see their fears.  Or perhaps this is just a lesson that I’ll keep on learning until the day I die. 

So here I am, a little person in a big universe.  A little person living with a pride too large for my taste and a selfishness that I often rebuke myself of.    But tonight.  Tonight I’m just humbled at the complexity of the lives we get to live.