Dry Grass

 

I knew this girl who loved a boy. They were so in love; they were going to get engaged (he told me).

But when he was away, she spent all her time with someone else. Another guy. Our group of friends started talking about how she must be cheating on her boyfriend. One girl remarked (astutely I think) that if she was not cheating on her boyfriend physically, she certainly was emotionally – in her mind. My heart went out to her, she was my friend after all. I knew she wasn’t that sort of girl, and to have sparked so much controversy and slander must’ve been an unintended mistake.

So I went to her. 

One sunny afternoon by the lake, I caught her out reading and took a seat beside her in the dry grass. I stilled my racing heart (confrontation, though a trademark of my personality, often makes me physically sick) and began as disarmingly as possible. I softly explained what people were saying and told her I knew she meant no harm. I told her I would want someone to come to me, so I knew she would want the same. Then, after a brief hesitation, I gently added that sometimes perception is reality and for all our friends… she was not painting a good picture.

She didn’t say much, but I felt better having told her.

I felt loyal.

Later that day, the boy she had been spending so much time with came to me. Instantly, I was reminded that he was not a boy. The girls all talked about how much he worked out, what a hunk he was. But when I observed his body that day it was not to admire how attractive it was, it was not to appreciate the structure of his muscles and sinews, but rather to fear the bulk of him.

I had just entered a dimly lit foyer when he approached me, no one was around. He backed me into a literal corner. I tried to step out of his way, but he just turned on me instead of passing. He told me I had no business partaking in gossip and telling her to stay away from him. He told me they were doing nothing wrong in the eyes of God or man. His red face quoted scripture to me – all I saw were the veins pulsing on his neck.  

The condescending tone in his voice accompanied a veiled rage and I am ashamed to say I felt weak. Literally, physically, weak in the knees and sweaty in my palms. I told him okay. I probably said okay five or six times. At every pause in the conversation, just “okay, okay, okay.”

You know how when you’re working the cash register at a shady gas station, they tell you the money in the drawer isn’t worth your life, and to always just do whatever the man with the gun tells you to do? Just be agreeable and get out alive?

Finally, he said his fill and stalked away, vindicated. It was the first time I had ever felt… Assaulted is the wrong word because of the weight it carries. But my mind comes up empty when I try to name this small, weak, helpless feeling.  All I can do is hope my sisters and my daughters never feel it.

 

At First

Love at first sight is a notion that the foolish espouse, the bitter scorn, and the wise cast off. To fall madly into love, or more often into passion, with another person is often a paper fire. It burns brightly and then burns out, leaving barely an ember of remembrance.

After all, I did not understand the true depths of love even when I stood at the alter and pledged my life to my husband-to-be. If I had seen ahead to our heartache, joy, anger, and the unfathomable contentment we would find in just the next five years, the weight of it would have swallowed me whole. But taken one day, one step at a time, we have plunged into a truer friendship and closeness than we could’ve known back when we stood in front of that arbor, making promises we would only understand in time. 

But I think there is an exception to that flippant, tired saying of - love at first sight. 

Because when they placed you in my arms for the first time, after praying for you for years, I heard your cry, looked down, and I loved you. I loved you more than life, I loved you with my soul. With your father by my side, our love was compounded and multiplied, made stronger and deeper and closer than before when we grew from two to three.

I didn’t need a second look, I loved you at first sight. You kindled a fire that will never go out - I’ll never doubt this, and you’ll never be alone as long as I draw breath on this earth we call a home. 

Voices in the Storm

You said it must not be that bad since he works all the time anyway.

He does work a lot, he's a good provider.

You said you wished you were in my position, that the time I spend with my family is a rare gift.

It is a gift. And I am thankful - truly. I love my family and the days are joyful and spent in good company. Many are alone and facing much worse than I am - I see this. I pray for these people, it's all I can do.

You said there isn't a good reason for the separation in the first place, that the world is overreacting.

I can't even listen to this fully, I can't dwell on the betrayal it makes me feel.

Because you see, yesterday our son recognized my voice for the first time. His face lit up when I spoke to him - just the latest in the endless string of new developments. He coos, trying to speak to me. And it was such a wonderful moment, such a big milestone, but all I could think was that he won't recognize his father's voice by the time we're back together.

He's so little, once we're back together he'll relearn his father's voice and face quickly. They have years of bonding ahead of them. But please, don't tell me we're not losing something in all of this. Because we are. And it's okay to recognize that.

Because we love each other and our son. And sometimes love requires difficult decisions. Christ is our ultimate example of love and sacrifice. I’m so grateful for a Savior who knows and understands, no matter the hurt.

Hebrews 4
14 Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession.
15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.
16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in the time of need.

Rhythms

How long have you been crying? A minute? Ten? I check my phone - it's two in the morning. 

Slipping out from beneath our comforter and its warmth, I head to the nursery. It's been three weeks since we came home from the hospital, but the routine is already set. After a diaper change, I re-swaddle you, go to the rocker, and we start a round of midnight feeding. You're frantic at first - all smacking and rooting and fists - but you settle into contented sucking after a moment. 

And looking down at your face in the faint glow of the nightlight, I could cry you're so beautiful. I can hardly believe God gave you to us.

You nurse until you're so drowsy you don't even wake up while you're burped. Then you're back in your crib, and I steal out of your room. It's been an hour but it doesn't feel it. Time is already flying.

I slip back beneath the comforter beside the warmth of your father, and just like almost every night, he wakes up a little. Light sleeping is the paramedic's curse I suppose. 

Then comes the moment that has become the last part of my routine. Though I sleep on my side with my back to him, he reaches over and runs a hand over the brown hair I gave you. 

"You're doing a great job," he whispers. "I love you, babe."

Then he rolls over and is fast asleep once again. 

And you know, it's strange. There's a lot to miss - now that three more weeks have passed and the world is upside down. I miss the way he keeps me laughing, the comfort of our everyday conversations, the warmth of his hand in mine. But right now, more than anything else, I miss that moment. Now that I creep back under a cold comforter with only an empty space beside me, I miss his midnight whispers and his fingers in my hair.

Your daddy and I didn't know how much we could love before you came along. How much we could love each other, how much we could love you.  In a world filled with craziness, our love for you is uncomplicated. 

So we'll stay apart as long as we need to. 

But from my cold bed to his - I love you, babe. You're doing a great job.

Blinders

Internet stalking is a strange part of modern life. High School reunions are no longer mysterious, ex’s can be tangibly and visibly obsessed over, and we can find connection with people who walked out of our lives years ago.

I haven’t thought about you for a long while. But a patient in the emergency room forced me to remember somehow and I thought back to our evening car rides, long conversations, and the copious amounts of ice cream we consumed together.

My instinct was to look you up – I had my phone in my hand in a second. There are so many ways to find people these days, I knew it wouldn’t take long. I thought, that pang of remembrance and sudden sorrow at a lost past will be soothed if I can just see how you’re doing. 

But then I realized, it wouldn’t make me feel better. I know without confirmation that things didn’t get better for you. All the ways I thought maybe I could help, the things I said, never broke through your surface. You chose your path and it’s been destroying you, little by little.

And I can’t bear to watch you burn.

“The Pregnant Woman” – A Survival Guide

“The Pregnant Woman” – A Survival Guide

To a vast majority of the average population, pregnant women are either terrifying, mysterious, or adorable creatures.  In light of this, it’s no wonder you all have so much trouble understanding just how to act when you encounter one in the wild.  Here are a few tips on how to survive and thrive when you inevitably encounter what’s known as “The Pregnant Woman.”

1 – Don’t call her huge.  She probably already feels rather large, but on the off chance she’s having a good day, don’t go ruining it by expressing your surprise at how gigantic she has become since you saw her last.  I know you’ll have the best of intentions – it is the natural course of pregnancy after all.  However, it’s best to stay away from adjectives also commonly used to describe houses, boats, and whales.

2 – The Pregnant Woman is probably already feeling a lot of pressure to eat all the right things, only the right things, not too many of the right things, and not too few of the right things.  Therefore, it is probably not helpful to give her pointers on her diet. This is true whether it’s an encouragement to splurge (example: “isn’t this the time in your life when you can guiltlessly go ham?”), or an admonishment for a poor choice (example: “does the baby really need that?”).

3 – This may sound hypocritical, but The Pregnant Woman can say that she has pregnancy brain.  She can self-depreciatingly find humor in forgetting or misplacing things.  But when you tell The Pregnant Woman that she has pregnancy brain after she misplaces her keys or forgets what she was about to say – all she hears is “You’re off your rocker!  Pregnancy has made you literally insane! Boy, isn’t it great to be so smart, hooray for me!”  Remember that we’re all forgetful at times, pregnant women have a lot on their plates, and when you don’t have anything nice to say, there is dignity in silence. 

A list of other things you probably shouldn’t say if you want a pain-free encounter with The Pregnant Woman (unless your opinion and advice has been solicited – in which case proceed with caution!!):

“Oh, you’re going back to work/staying home after you have the baby?  That’s just going to make you miserable.”

“You do know that most of the weight you gain while you’re pregnant is fat, right? That’s why you don’t lose it all when you give birth.”

"Oh, your back hurts/feet are swollen/legs cramp/head aches?  You must be doing pregnancy wrong."

"How much weight have you gained?"

“You can too lift heavy things/survive a whole day without a nap/jog a marathon/etc..”

“Look at you - you must be due in the next few weeks, right?!” or, along the same lines, “Look at you - you must be having twins!!”

"Come on, it's just a cold."

 “Oh, I gave birth once.  Want to hear all the worst parts?  Pull up a chair, this will take a while.”

And remember, The Pregnant Woman may look and act a bit strange, but underneath her gigantic belly, she’s a person just like you.  When in doubt, be kind and supportive - it's hard work growing a slightly parasitic (albeit adorable and blessed) human inside her body.  

Oh, and one last thing, don’t forget to rub her belly a lot – especially if you're a stranger - she’ll love it.  It’ll make her feel like an animal at a petting zoo! (*Cough* Sarcasm *Cough*)

Spiderwebs

She sat across my counter and I began the routine.  Something about her hair or her voice was familiar – I’d checked her in before.

This fact is not significant.  Between working in the biggest emergency room in the area and sometimes helping out at one of the most popular urgent care centers, I begin to recognize faces.  Sometimes while out grocery shopping or gassing up, I’ll see a face and scramble for their name while trying to recall if I know them from church or theater or wilderness trips… only to realize they were a patient last week or last month or several times over the last few years.

I checked her in for shortness of breath. She was sitting in a wheelchair, which meant I needed to go all the way around our desks so that I could wristband her.  As I leaned over her, I finally smelled the thick fog of cigarette smoke that hung over her.

Instantly, my mind is drawn away from where I am and what I’m doing.  Though I wheel this woman to the waiting room, get her settled, and explain the next steps to her, I don’t remember doing any of it.

Instead I’m thinking of you.

You were so excited.  Or at least, I thought you were.

We were due two weeks apart, each of us expecting our first, and somehow this forged in us a stronger bond than the one we shared before.  It did for me anyways.  I found myself looking for you when at work, we shared secret and expectant smiles as we treasured our separate joys together.

Yes, we are vastly different people.  We always have been.  I knew this from the start.

But isn’t everyone different, after all?  The ties that draw people together are varying and mysterious, and rarely based on common ground alone.

You got your photos first – I was a little bit jealous, in a good-natured way.  You brought them to me and glowed over the little life that was beginning.  And I glowed with you.

That was what I knew before: you were excited, glowing, and tied to me with an invisible string.

Did you know that quantitatively, spider silk is five times stronger than steel?  It's near in strength to Kevlar. 

But those facts don’t really change the simple truth that a person can blunder into a spider’s web and ruin it without expending any effort at all.

All it takes is a little carelessness.

Now I know more. I know you didn’t slow down your smoking habit at all – in fact for whatever reason, you upped your dose to a pack and a half a day instead of just a pack a day ("just a pack a day?").

You didn’t manage your diabetes either.  I understand that this disease is difficult to control, but lots of people do it.  And you didn’t even try, stating that pregnancy is the time you’re allowed to eat as much as you want whenever you want.  And by doing this, you let your disease run rampant on your body and everything inside you.

And all I can feel is angry.

Because you were excited.

Weren’t you excited?

Why didn’t you try harder?

Why didn’t you try at all?

You showed me pictures, you had prenatal care, even if somehow you had gone your whole life without knowing how dangerous you were acting – they told you then.

I know they told you.

I know you knew.

And I’m angry.

A mutual acquaintance was talking about this whole thing while you weren’t around.  Was she talking to me? I don’t remember, it’s hard to say.  Gossip is just as rampant in the ER as the television shows would have you believe.  Maybe worse.

She said in a low voice that it was just as well.  That of all the people she knew, you were probably the least equipped to have a child.  That you were still trying to determine between three baby-daddy’s and let’s be honest, what kind of a life would that baby have had?

I’m not a violent person.  I’m not an angry person, not usually. 

But I had to walk away then.

Because all I could feel was angry – so very angry at her for saying this, at you, at everything.

And.

            And I am so ashamed of myself.

So ashamed.

Because I don’t know you.  Not really.  I don’t know the first thing about how you’re feeling.

Maybe you recognize that you were careless and threw away a life – and maybe you regret this.

Maybe you’re relieved.

Maybe you actually got an abortion.  Maybe you figured that if everyone is agreeing behind your back that it’s better this way, maybe they’re right.

Maybe you feel guilt or shame.

Maybe you never cared as much as you seemed to.

I’m ashamed of the hardness of my heart, of my unforgiveness.  I’m ashamed of the way I’m assuming so much about the situation. And of all my anger.  There’s a reason God hates anger so much.  

The ambiguous, uncertain, and unknown have never been my forte. I’ve always thrived on black and white – this is anything but that. But we both know that the last thing you need from your Christian friend is judgment and anger, even if I never speak any of it aloud to you or to anyone.

When I saw you last, you smiled at me – a big, normal, happy smile.  We never spoke about the miscarriage, we haven’t spoken since.  I smiled back, but did you feel my hesitation?  As greatly as I feel that you’ve failed, I feel my own failure.

But I don’t know how to be.  I pray for you, which seems smaller than I know it is. We don’t talk anymore though.  I don’t know if you even want to talk, as my little life continues to grow and yours was lost.  I don’t know how to do right by you. Maybe I’ll learn, given time.  Maybe we’ll ease back into old conversations. Maybe we’ll both pretend to forget or somehow find a way to talk about it.

Or, maybe the invisible strings connecting us to others are just as intangible and unpredictable as the ways they are severed.