How Deeply

Perhaps the reason it’s taken so long

For me to fall for you

Is because I know how deeply I can love

And I was afraid you were untrue

But now that I know that you don’t mind

A soul that is less than perfect

I feel a peace that’s new – I can unwind

I don’t think you will reject

Me, like all the rest

Someday

Sometimes I get tired.  Just plain old tired.  Tired of dealing with things, tired of being a big girl, tired of juggling schedules, tired of hiding my tiredness.  I want to do all of these things, and it is in my nature to do all of these things (with one hand tied behind my back sometimes), but that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes late at night I just find myself tired.

I know it isn’t brave to say this.  I know that the brave thing to do is to keep on dealing, being, juggling, and hiding without complaint.  But why else do we write than to learn and to grow and expose the truth?  So I shall strive to write what I am about to with the aim to grow, and not the aim to vent.

But see, there’s something that keeps me going.  When I’m up until midnight working on a friend’s project and I still have writing that I want to do for myself before I head to bed, but I have to get up at five the next morning so I decide to call it a night (for a completely random, non-specific example...) sometimes a single thought pops up in my head and smooths over the roughness of the day.

Someday it won’t be like this.  Someday, I will have nothing to do all day except things that fill me up as I have never been filled.  Someday there will be no more tears, no more darkness, no more pain.  Someday I will be in Heaven.

The atheist points at this as weakness.  I suppose it is.  I am weak.  Aren’t we all though?  Can any of us really say honestly that we can handle everything that this life throws at us?  Take a peek at the suicide rates in America before you get back to me on that one.  Handling everything is terribly hard sometimes.

But someday, everything will be taken care of without exhaustion or worry.  I won’t have to deal with things, measure up to standards, juggle schedules, or wear a mask.  I will simply be praising God, and laughing, and talking with believers, and loving my Creator.  For hours and hours on end I’ll be doing these things, in a world that has no time.  A scary thought yes, but also an awe-inspiring one.

I’m not suicidal.  God gave me a great life that I am determined to try to please Him with.  But Heaven is going to be amazing, and I am anxious for it.

John 16:33

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Coffee Shop Epiphanies: Humbled

            Are you ever just humbled? Just flat out brought down a few pegs? 

I hate it when someone does this to me - I find it extremely difficult to take a humbling from someone else.  In my defense though, I think it’s an innate part of human nature to have a knee-jerk reaction when someone threatens our pride.  That doesn't make it right, I know.  It just makes it common. 

But this humbling realization came at me from myself.  [Personally I think these are some of the deepest realizations – the ones that you come up with on your own.  They seem to leave a bigger impression, but this could be just me.]

What was my humbling moment, you ask?  I hesitate to tell you, because I doubt it will mean as much to you as it did to me.  I mean, didn’t I just talk about coming to realizations on our own? 

I could wait for you to come to my realization by yourself.  For some, you already know my new piece of realization.  For some, I would only have to wait a day for you to figure it out.  However, for others I might have to wait until all of my teeth fall out, and still they may not reach my realization.  I don't have that kind of time.  And besides, I wouldn’t really be writing this if I didn’t plan on saying something that was at least sort of worthwhile.

So here it is…

Step 1) – Go into a public place (at least a dozen people or so)

Step 2) – Look around you – people-watch for a minute

This, my step three, is where I came to the realization.  It just sort of dawned on me.  Every single one of the people around me has a life that is just as complex as mine.  Every single person has a life just as full of sadness and joy, memories and hope, thunder and daisies, and just as full of living as my life. 

It’s overwhelming to think about. 

Suddenly, all of my plans and emotions and triumphs and challenges seem so small. 

I know, I know.  By writing this I am admitting to the fact that I live an incredibly selfish and self-involved life.  All this time I’ve lived on this planet and today is the first time that it has really, really sunk in.  Sure I knew it, but I hadn’t realized it.  I think there’s a difference.  In my defense though, I think it’s an innate part of human nature to be selfish.  Call it self-preservation, call it looking out for number one, hey, you can call it deciding to live your own life instead of living other peoples’, I don’t care.  But still, I think we’re altogether too selfish too often.  Myself definitively included.

Maybe next time someone snaps at me I won’t take it personally.  Maybe I’ll try to imagine what chapter their life-story is on, assume it’s a rough chapter, and let it go.  Maybe next time someone is crying I’ll see their tears, maybe next time someone is yelling I’ll see their fears.  Or perhaps this is just a lesson that I’ll keep on learning until the day I die. 

So here I am, a little person in a big universe.  A little person living with a pride too large for my taste and a selfishness that I often rebuke myself of.    But tonight.  Tonight I’m just humbled at the complexity of the lives we get to live.

Things I Wish More Guys Knew

Things I Wish More Guys Knew

-          I don’t care what you drive, but I do care how you drive it.  (Hint: faster is not the same as better)

-          I’ll look at how you treat your mother to hope for/fear how you’ll treat me

-          We can make beautiful memories on a picnic you spent twenty dollars on just as easily as we can on a dinner you spent one hundred dollars on.

-          Then again, treating me to an expensive dinner now and then isn’t such a bad idea.

-          I will rarely say when I’m hurting; please don’t be content with just what I offer. 

-          I know I’m not the only girl in the world, and I’m terribly aware that I’m not the most beautiful one out there.  But beauty is relevant, and if I love you, then the most important opinion out there is yours.  Remind me that I’m beautiful to you.

-          Girls love to be surprised.  Please don’t shy away from trying something new because it isn’t “your thing.”  If you write me a terrible poem, but you did it because you love me, I will be thrilled.

-          When I ask you about your day, I hope that you’ll ask about mine and care about my answer.

-          Just because you’ve caught me doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be reminded that you love me and need me.

-          Your touch is very powerful to me.  If you don’t love me, don’t mess with me by giving it to me.  If you do love me, hold my hand now and then.

-          Your words are very powerful to me.  Please don’t deny me them or abuse the power they hold. 

-          Girls can hold their own doors, buy their own dinners, and carry their own loads.  This doesn’t mean you should always let them.

Lost for Words

If you’re a writer, then you know what I mean.  There’s comes a point on the measuring stick of fatigue when you open the document (the document of your amazing work in progress) and you stare at it.  You know exactly where you want to go with it (you’ve left it all the notes) and writing it will be amazing.  That’s what you thought last night anyways.  But tonight?  Tonight it just looks like too much.  The day has been too long, and there isn’t enough left of you for you to create story.  You have nothing left.  There’s no more water in this well. 

Perhaps if you’re a writer you don’t actually know what I mean.  Perhaps you writers out there are wise enough to know that writing should be done in the morning, when you’re fresh.  Maybe you’ve been too smart to face this struggle.  Maybe I’m the only one out there who has ever felt this lost for words. 

But of course, if there’s anything I’ve learned from being around for eighteen years, it’s that people are never quite as unique as they think they are.  Their struggles have all been struggled by others, their problems have all been solved (or not) by those before them, and others have shed tears over the same griefs that haunt them.  There’s nothing new under the sun. 

But isn’t there a lot to be said for individuality?  Of course!  People are amazing, because we beat so many odds, we conquer so many of our battles, and so many of us are able to live incredibly full lives, regardless of the number of years they are given.

But of course, those remarks up there do seem a bit sappy.  A bit too optimistic.  After all, for as many people that are living fully, there are probably two other people wasting their precious gift of life.  Right? 

So you see, if you’re a writer, you probably know what I mean.  When you can’t write, you write about not being able to write.  And then that piece morphs into an opinion piece about humanity.  And of course, in writing a piece 400 words long about how you have no words, you’re sort of proving that you really do have words, just not the right ones.  Never the right ones.

Writers.  Seriously, someone needs to get some sense into them.

But this one needs to go to sleep.  Because the day has left me lost for words.